Broken Strings
by TheHonourableRulerOfZubidar
Summary: Wanda thinks as she walks to doc for what she plans to be her final death. one shot, song fic. please read and review, i'm no good at summaries


**Hey!!!!!!!!**

**Right. I love this song, love this book. Was just thinking really random stuff when I thought that this moment fitted perfectly with the song. This is based when Wanda is on her way to go see Doc and get herself exterminated, for lack of a better word. She's just taking in everything around her and remember things that had happened to her lately. Contains spoilers! And I might have changed a word or two in the song to fit better. Just stuff like him to her or me to you. Nothing major. And I twisted events a bit in places. And if you are yet to discover the delights of James Morrison, well then, shame on you!!!**

**Well, I hope you like it and don't forget to review.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the host, Stephenie Meyer does. I do not own the song Broken Strings, James Morrison does. And maybe Nelly Furtado. She sings it with him**

As I walked through the corridors, I cried. I cried tears of loss and tears of joy. Loss for all that was, all that is and all that could have been. I was leaving behind Ian, who I loved with all my soul, Jared who I loved with all my heart, Jamie who was now like my own brother though he was really just the brother of this body and the one who had become my best friend. Tears of joy because I was giving my friend back her life.

_It's good to know that you think so much of me, but you don't need to do this. You really don't. I'm happy. I have my family and Jared to some extent and I have you. I can never be lonely with you in here._

I let out a hysterical giggle. _You know that I have to do this._

_I was just making a last go of it. I thought that I might have been able to bring you around after your time with Ian._

Ian. It had been so hard loving him in a body that refused to feel the same. It would be better for him I tried to convince my self. I cried even harder when I thought of our last embrace.

*****Flash back*****

"I'm not letting you go. You're not going to leave me." and he broke into tears. He wrapped his arms around my waist, placing his head against my stomach. Watching what I had reduced him to, I cried along with him. It hurt so much to think that I would have to leave him.

**Let me hold you for the last time,**

**It's our last chance to feel this way.**

He finished crying long before I did. When he did finish, he started trying to comfort me. It just made me cry harder thinking of what I was doing to him and once again, all that he wanted to do was make sure that I was ok. I felt another wave of despair roll over me. At that moment, I couldn't imagine feeling anything else but this unbearable emotion. How could humans survive with this?

**But you broke me**

**And now I can't feel anything.**

*end flash back*

I was drawn out of my memories by Melanie.

_He's not the only one who will miss you._ She brought out the memory of my exchange with Jared just moments ago.

*Flash back*

"Please stay, Wanda." The fire burned beneath my skin as his hands caressed my face. His mouth just inches from my mouth. His eyes searching mine. He leaned in and kissed me. Jared gave me a kiss that was so different than the one's before because it was for me. It started off as just a gentle touch, but it grew to a fiery embrace as he forgot that it was supposed to be for me. It could never truly be for me when it had that much passion in it. It made this kiss so bitter.

**When I love you is so untrue**

**I can't even convince my self**

**When you're speaking it's the voice of someone else.**

*end flash back*

_You know that he's the happiest one for me to leave. He'll be getting you back. Why wouldn't he be happy to see the back of me?_

She left that point at that. I felt almost smug to finally have beaten her in one of our debates.

_You could beat me more times if you just wouldn't do this!_

_You know that I can't do this for much longer. _I threw a few images at her. Kyle trying to kill me, the looks on some of the faces when he did not succeed, Sharon and aunt Maggie at every turn, how happy Jamie would be when he found out that he had his sister back for good. _I just can't keep it up for much longer in here. There's too much violence, so much that I can't give them that you can._

**It tears me up**

**I try to hold on but it hurts too much**

**I try to forgive but it's not enough**

**To make it all okay**

_That isn't true! Look at all that you've given them since you arrived. _It was her turn to bombard me with images. Me teaching one of my "classes", the medicine that I got for Jamie and how happy everyone was when it worked, the truck full of supplies that I had gotten on the raid, me managing to bluff my way past the seeker.

_But you know just as much as I do about all the other occupied planets, I have shown everyone how to use the medicine and you survived without me before that._

_Only barely._

_But they still did! You know that I can't survive any more of this._

_It will break Ian's heart._

_But I can't be with him like this. This heart can't love him. This body can't be with him._

**You can't play on broken strings**

**You can't feel anything**

**That you're heart don't want to feel**

_I will give you as much space as you want. I'll even let you go, _if she had had a body then, she would have gulped, _all the way._

_You won't be able to do that and you know it. I really don't know how you humans can lie so well._

**I can't tell you something that ain't real**

I must have been getting nearer to Doc's rooms then. I was able to make out tints of grey in the darkness. I tried to convince myself that the everlasting darkness wouldn't be that bad. That it wouldn't hurt to die.

_You don't have to do this._

_Yes I do._

**Oh, the truth hurts, a lie's worse**

**How can I give anymore**

**When I love you a little less than before.**

_No you don't and you know it Wanderer, Lives In The Stars, Rides The Beast._

I ignored her and thought about what would happen when I died. All souls believed that you simply ceased to be, but then again, I wasn't all souls. Would I go to some place called heaven where one day I would be reunited with Ian and all the friends that I had made here? Or would I just fade away and be nothing?

**What are we doing? We are turning into dust**

I thought about what it would have been like if I were to stay, but it seemed impossible. For me to try and be with Ian and for Melanie to be with Jared while we were both in this body would be just pushing it a mile too far over the edge. It was crazy.

**Playing house in the ruins of us.**

_It wouldn't be that hard, and I won't try to be with Jared in __that__ way. I'll even give you as much space as I can to be with Ian._

She was nearly convincing me, but I saw the light of Doc's rooms. It was too late to turn back now. Jared knew what I was doing and if I turned around he would never forgive me for building up his hopes.

**It's like chasing the very last train **

**When it's too late, too late.**

_Have you even considered how this will affect me? Do you think it'll make me happy that I'll get my life back for the price that you will die? Do you really think that I will survive that?_

**Oh, it tears me up**

**I try to hold on but it hurts too much**

**I try to forgive but it's not enough**

**To make it all okay.**

_Yes I have, as you well know. You will be sad at first, but you will be too delighted that you have your body back, that you- __**you - **__can touch Jared, run your fingers through Jamie's hair, move your body, to take much notice for long._

_How can you even think that?_

_Because it's the truth._

**You can't play on broken strings**

**You can't feel anything **

**That you're heart don't want to feel**

**I can't tell you something that ain't real**

**Oh, the truth hurts, a lies worse**

**How can I give any more**

**When I'll never love you any less than before**

I blocked her then, and took a step forward, into the light. Doc was lying on one of the cots. I felt so guilty waking him up. He looked so peaceful. I didn't want to, but I had to. This had to be done before Ian woke up again. I gently shook his shoulder. When his eyes opened, he must have thought that he was having some dream for a bit, but then some facts registered. I was waking him up in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my face but probably looking fairly determined. It wasn't that long after we had made our agreement.

"You don't have to do this, Wanda" he said in a strained voice. All hints of grogginess had left him when he realised what I wanted. I let out a laugh as I thought of how many times I had been told that today. I really had to, despite what everyone else thought. These were some of the most caring humans that there could be yet they couldn't imagine what I was going through.

**It's like running through the fire**

**When there's nothing left to save**

_He's right you know, you don't have to do it._

_Will everyone stop saying that! We both know that I have to do this and I will not repeat myself again._

**It's like chasing the very last train**

**When we both know that it's too late, too late.**

_I can't do this any longer. I'm going to get it over with. You'll have your life back very soon._

_It isn't a life without you._

_It's better than this broken one you have. This prison that I have forced you into. I've had much more than I deserve. It's your's again_

**You can't play on broken strings**

**You can't feel anything**

**That you're heart don't want to feel**

**I can't tell you something that ain't real**

**Oh, the truth hurts, a lies worse**

**How can I give anymore**

**When I'll never love you any less than before.**

"Please don't argue with me Doc, I've had a long day, and I just want to get this over with."

It tortured me to watch his face as he considered his options. Eventually, he gave up and went to look for the No Pain. When he came back with the small packet in his hand, I was so tempted to just come out with some mumbled excuse and run away. But I didn't. I couldn't. I went over to him and took the No Pain myself. I doubted that he would have given it to me.

"You have to do it now, Doc. You have to or it will be wasting valuable resources." I chocked out. The tears were flowing strong again. I walked over to the make-shift surgeon's table and lay down on my stomach.

_Goodbye my sister._ I said as my farewell to Melanie

_I will never forget you, you idiot._

Then, as I started to feel numb, I threw myself into my memories of my last day with Ian. His rage when he found out what I was doing came in somewhere at the start, but mostly it was our time in his room. Our kiss. Our last kiss.

**Let me hold you for the last time**

**It's our last chance to feel again.**


End file.
